My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
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[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?