(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
rise and shine we got egg
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.