@wolfpupy
@SondraDeeMe When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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@SondraDeeMe 
@SomeChrisTweets SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
@online_shawn If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
@Dani_Feld What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
@DairylandDon Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
@Lil_Baked_Baker I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
@noog “I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
@iwearaonesie *runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
@PettyRuxpin83 beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
@Manda_like_wine 7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: