(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

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When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.


If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager


What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?


Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.


I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.


“I think that kid’s a robot”
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”


*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok


7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: