Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Möther may I have a snäck