“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
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May never get over this
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
What a website
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks