My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.