Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Money is the root of all wealth
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
crochet youtube is brutal
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.