When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
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Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
B
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE