Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
You Might Also Like
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
finally
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”