Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
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I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge