You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
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Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
we’re dead?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.