You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
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Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
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I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
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[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing