*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
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[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands