My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My typo game is string.