It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
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Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.