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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
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*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.