Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
You Might Also Like
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom