[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Oops I deleted….
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Life hack
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
#have a #great #PancakeDay
TRAIN’S HERE
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk