Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
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My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Pickled cat.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.