A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
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[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal