Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.