Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
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LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Hmmmmm
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
me and my fake scenarios
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*