I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
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These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.