I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
You Might Also Like
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.