My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
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Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
thanksgiving in nutshell
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.