It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
The prophecy is fulfilled
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite