“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
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I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still