Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
You Might Also Like
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
real
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else