I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
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When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Canada has crack?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.