Dear Lord..
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Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
“Why you watching this shit?”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”