Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
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[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’