[the middle of showering] I need a break
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Personal question. #JustSaying
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
no one likes gloating
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti