[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
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st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.