Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
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Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.