Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I only treason on days ending in y
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.