I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
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I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.