Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
You Might Also Like
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.