Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
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Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
reduce, reuse, recycle
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes