Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
You Might Also Like
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five