Who did it better?
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just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Hey I worked for it too!
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.