me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
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ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.