[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
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Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.