me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
You Might Also Like
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
me refusing to leave twitter
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend