My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
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Adultry does not sound fun at all
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
The first one, obviously
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera