With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
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Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.