me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
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[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
This is why I hate group projects
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.