It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
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[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Lmfao
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real