when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
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Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming