Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
You Might Also Like
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.