5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
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I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
If a snake ate a cake
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here