Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
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Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”