Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
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I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
me irl
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭