looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
You Might Also Like
I never needed anything more in my life
Do one person every day that scares you.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.